I am planning a wedding.
I am also planning a marriage.
In my pre-engagement and immidiate post-engagement joy and enthusiasm, I spent giddy afternoons perusing websites like the wedding blog Ruffled, or browsing the menagerie of pictures on The Knot. I am absolutely laden with books about wedding flowers, wedding ettiquite, wedding planning, marriage planning, honeymoon planning...
I'm so afraid it's already ceasing to be fun.
I realized today when I was looking at some beautiful wedding pictures on Ruffled that I was jealous. I'm still planning my wedding, and I was jealous of those happy, beautiful people in those happy, beautiful photos. Jealous of what? Jealous that they're already married and done with all that planning, but also, I think a jealousy that springs from fear: What if my wedding isn't that beautiful? What if I'm not that beautiful? What if I don't do trendy, cool, vintage things? Will my friends still have fun? Will they care? Will they judge?
Fear is ridiculous. I know in my head that this fear is ridiculous; I know that it doesn't matter if my wedding isn't as awesomely trendy as other people's ... but my head knowledge doesn't have much bearing on the fear and insecurity in my heart. Welcome to a woman's mind.