Addiction

Hello. My name is Millie, and I'm an addict.

I am addicted to dozens of different substances, all of which I depend on, to some greater or lesser extent, to make me happy and fulfilled on a daily basis. It's not pretty.

Some of these addictions are humorous, and fairly harmless. For example, I drink sweet tea like it was German beer. I pop M&Ms without shame. I can't be at home in the winter and not wear sweatpants; jeans are not a relaxing option. I love watching "Chuck." I can't sleep without white noise.

I'm realizing, however, that I'm addicted to things that aren't so funny. I am addicted to the Internet. But not just the Internet; I could get by if my online activities were limited to browsing Etsy or checking my email. Nope. I feel the need to check my Facebook, check my blog, to see if anyone has paid attention to me today. The glorious World Wide Web has only freed me to deepen a worse addiction: me. Attention. Praise. Me me me.

This hurts my heart. If I were genuinely addicted to and obsessed with the gospel of my Lord Jesus Christ, there would be no room left in my heart or mind to fill with my petty self-love. If I were addicted to Jesus, I would be satisfied with days without attention or praise, with any situation in life, with a menial waitressing job in a small town -- because I would be already full, already satisfied and satiated with the joy of who Jesus is, and thrilled at my role as his beloved, part of his church.

I want to be addicted to the right thing.